Upsetting a cyclist is as easy as tying your shoelaces, I’m getting very proficient at it so I thought I’d share some tips for all you haters out there…

1. Cross one lace over the other and pull through
2. Make two bunny ears
3. Fold one ear under the other and pull.

It really is that easy, I don’t know why so many of you are getting upset all the time. If you need any more help you should check out Ian’s Shoelace Site which brings you the fun, fashion & science of shoelaces.

Now, if you have mastered your shoelaces you should be ready for my indispensable guide on upsetting a #bloodycyclist…

1. Disagree about road safety. You really can’t go wrong with this one, when a cyclist complains about drivers just tell them to stop being such a pussy. They will instantly burst into tears and tell you about all the times they were “nearly killed”, when they do you can reply with a fury inducing “but you weren’t killed, you weren’t hit and you were fine?”. It’s not dangerous to cycle on the roads, but expressing this simple fact is a big no-no, as a cyclist you must side with all other cyclists and whine about cars, lorries, bike lanes and lack of infrastructure.

2. Don’t wear a helmet. Cycling is extremely safe, a few years ago I was hit by a car and smashed to bits, I’m still recovering now but the number of people injured or killed whilst riding compared to the total number of people out on bikes every day is tiny. Helmets DO NOT WORK, there is no debate to be had, marketing says they increase safety but science says they don’t. What kind of idiot believes marketing bullshit over scientific evidence? You’re not an idiot are you?

3. Run red lights. This one pisses everyone off, even non-cyclists, so it’s a great way to upset people. Unlike 1 and 2 this one has the added bonus of being illegal so people can point out what a terrible person you are in the eyes of the law as well as to them. The great thing about running red lights is that you get to where you’re going quicker, drivers stuck at the lights honk their horns and wave their arms making you feel like a celebrity and you look like a total badass to all the local kids who will forever treat you like a hero.

I hope you enjoyed this guide and that you use some or all of the points to get under the skin of many a douchebag.